The succulent, wild child I once was began to change - not grow, but mutate and wilt - into an insecure, hyper-perfectionistic, affirmation-dependent teenager and young adult. I wanted to blend in instead of stand out. As I started to find hair in new and bizarre places, I started to lose my ability to make mistakes without plummeting into the depths of self-recrimination. As my cup size increased, so did my self-consciousness. It swelled and widened and didn’t grow tall enough (in my opinion). I expected to grow up into a succulent, wild woman, but puberty sent me on a very long and multi-tangential detour. I was a succulent, wild girl, confident and strong of spirit. Not knowing everything didn’t feel like failure. I didn’t worry about who or how many of my classmates might be smarter than I was. I’d challenge anyone to a race and enjoy my victory - especially against boys. I may have had some delusions of grandeur (like thinking my hyper-flat feet could carry me to a career as a professional ballerina), but mostly, I was simply proud of what I was good at and not unduly or excessively worried about those things that came harder to me. I was not intimidated by strangers or scared to speak in front of a crowd. I had an unshakable belief in God, and I could see my own beauty without feeling devalued by the prettiness of others. Aside from the gap between my two front teeth, there was nothing I was insecure about. Once upon a time, I was a succulent, wild child. I want to live fully and freely in the expression of myself, not caged by feelings of inferiority, not chained to needing the approval of others, not boxed in by fear, gagged by insecurities, or limited by an imagination that has atrophied due to cynicism. Wild, as in existing in my natural state, being who I was born to be. I hope to be a succulent, wild woman one day - not wild in the sense of violent, but wild like the ocean, wild like a tree or a sunrise. “A succulent wild woman is one of any age who feels free to fully express herself in every dimension of her life.” ~ SARK (Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy)
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